The Major Update
Introducing Rick v3.0 alpha (or "How I had a mental breakdown, but it got better")
In Vienna, on the Sunday morning after a good few days of unusually intense physical activity, mental activity on Ingress and heavy social interaction, I had a complete mental collapse. I went to pieces, utterly unable to interact with the world, and frankly looked less than pretty. I was incapable of much else than sniffles and looking incredibly sorry for myself, and utterly lost any cognitive ability. I cracked, and had a complete mental breakdown.
This was a good thing.
That might sound strange, but it’s been coming for a long, long time. I've been a mess for years, as many of my friends will be able to attest. Up and down like a yo-yo, and running on empty, just about getting from one day to the next, struggling to get up in a morning, and generally in a bit of a broken state. My personality massively suffered, as I didn't have the energy to power it. I struggled to interact with people in person, and sometimes even online.
After the break in Vienna, the following happened:
This was a good thing.
That might sound strange, but it’s been coming for a long, long time. I've been a mess for years, as many of my friends will be able to attest. Up and down like a yo-yo, and running on empty, just about getting from one day to the next, struggling to get up in a morning, and generally in a bit of a broken state. My personality massively suffered, as I didn't have the energy to power it. I struggled to interact with people in person, and sometimes even online.
After the break in Vienna, the following happened:
- I began a complete mental rebuild, guided and helped by some close friends who also had been through similar experiences, and providing perspective into my mental processes, and helping me identify the flaws in them so I could correct them.
- I was talked through the flaws in my mental schemas, and where I was filling in faulty data without realising when I had insufficient initial data, and have seen how I've managed to create flawed data recognition over time because I was essentially looking at it through a distortion lens, and had extra bits of light coming in that shouldn't have been there and dark patches where there shouldn't have been. So to speak.
- I had several wobbles over the week, and still am having a few, but they’re getting better.
- I fixed my diet. Mostly.
- I pretty much dumped alcohol.
- Rediscovered what mornings are. That confused the hell out of me. Apparently my body thinks a lie in now is 7:30AM.
- I actually adopted normal working hours instead of turning up “at some point before 10 and working 7 and a half hours”. This has massively increased the amount of time I have to myself to relax and do things, and can even leave work early if I arrive early.
- I also seem to have discovered the concept of "on time" and "early". It's rather confusing.
- I rediscovered my braincells. The change in my mental processes is remarkable.
- I remembered how to be good at my job, and rediscover my skill set. It’s been a ridiculously long time since I've worked to my potential. I'm not there yet, but I'm a hell of a lot closer than I have been in the last 10 years.
- I've started to listen to my body when it is tired, and actually sleeping instead of pushing myself, or pumping myself full of coffee.
- I saw my mum. (Hi mum!) Had a chicken kebab on a pitta bread, coffee, and a good chat. It was lovely.
- Dealt with some previous social awkwardness I’d had, and it turned out it was a total miscommunication. Felt really good to squash it, I'm going to work on any other such issues as I see them, and now the stress from that has dissipated.
- I've been drinking more water. It’s good for you.
- Finally started to understand a lot of social interaction and behaviour that I never quite understood before. It’s like my social skills have finally been reawakened.
- Started to finally feel like myself in work after several years, and appear to have finally got over the damage from my previous several workplaces.I feel like I've escaped my cocoon and become a beautiful... moth. Or something like that. (I'm a beautiful butterfly!)
- Don’t worry about things that happen over time, but have had no lasting effects other than leaving things to tidy up, or things to repair. By things, I mean objects, not people. Things are, at the end of the day, just things. Devices can be repaired. Rooms can be cleaned. Cars can be fixed.
- Don’t torture yourself over things that have happened or your previous behaviour. This I'm really struggling with, but I'm working on it. Looking back over the last… well, 18 years, frankly, I have utterly beaten myself up repeatedly for my actions, and the damage I've caused, especially now I can truly see it all. I'm so very close to hating myself… but it’d achieve nothing. More to follow below on that one.
- It’s okay not to get on with everyone. Not everyone is going to get along with everyone else, it’s a simple fact, personalities are different, needs are different. It’s not some sort of rejection, like I always used to think it was. And sometimes it’s just because people don’t really understand each other. That’s okay. Diversity is good.
- I don’t need validation from others to be happy. Over the years, I've desperately sought attention because I wanted to be wanted, needed, loved… desperate for acknowledgement and that feeling of being close to someone, even if just for an instant, be that with friends, lovers, relationships, you name it. And it’s made me do some pretty stupid shit. I can’t make excuses, it was me, but it doesn't stop me wanting to utterly weep over some of the things I've done, which I can’t easily forgive myself for, and frankly I'm not sure I should. But at the same time, holding on to that self-hatred is going to achieve me nothing, no matter how much I beat myself up - I'm just going to end up bruised. The worst thing is that I've been desired and loved. I just couldn't see it for more than a moment at a time, or my brain in its twisted little mess couldn't accept it properly, and ran instead of embracing. So many times I wish I'd done things differently, if I'd only been able to see... but I may as well have been walking around with a blindfold on, with my fingers in my ears, shouting "la la la" at the top of my voice.
- Having ideas that are different from other people’s ideas is okay. I don’t need to fit in with society’s definition of norms, nor do I have to comply with other people’s opinions. Ironically, I suspect people would respect me far more for having my own thoughts and opinions, and if people can’t respect my opinions or disagree with them to the point where they feel they can no longer associate with me… that’s also okay. I’d rather people were truthful with me than not. I work far better with simple facts without the window dressing, as most people who know how my brain works will attest to.
- I need to be aware that new shiny things may catch my attention, but I've previously accidentally accidentally trampled on people to get to them, or worse, not even really seen them in the way. Risk management is essential.
- I'm no longer afraid of experiencing life because of damaging fragile things around me. I've been trapped in my own cage for far too long, and when I did occasionally escape, because it was so concentrated, it was often like having the gas on far too long, and finally lighting a flame. The mental equivalent of losing my eyebrows, and smelling burnt nostril hair for weeks.
- Sometimes I'm simply not aware of the social consequences of what I do. I'm getting a lot better at it, but it’s a consequence of the way my brain is wired. But I've found that telling people, and just being completely up-front and honest, is doing a lot of good on that front. I'm not hiding behind shields and defences I've created any more, I'm strong enough to deal with things as myself.
- I'm still wobbly. That’s okay. Foundations take time to set, and sometimes need sanding off as you go, and adjusting slightly. Just need to be aware of that, and not pile on too much stuff until they’re solid.
So… that’s a list of stuff that happened. Here’s some thoughts to go with it.
- I'm not a superhuman. Much though I wish I was, and have tried to run as one. It’s part of how I ended up so broken.
- I'm actually okay as I am. I don’t need to be anyone else. In fact, being myself - my actual self, not the self I try to be - is pretty cool.
- In contrast to the above point, myself when running on empty is not cool. At all. I get unsociable, I do stupid things, and without being 100% awake and functioning correctly, I do things that are frankly utterly embarrassing. I'm still trying not to collapse in a heap of self loathing on that one. I've burned bridges, I've made stupid calls (again, usually in relation to the above regarding self validation), and sometimes I've been inconsiderate - and it’s not even been on purpose. It’s because I couldn't see what I was doing to other people. That might sound ridiculous, but when you’re in such a dark hole, you can only really see what’s directly in front of you, not the knock on effects of all the other dominoes you knock over. Some of those dominoes can be picked back up, some are lost forever. The latter I have to accept. It hurts, but at the end of the day, I can accept it or it will eat at me like Chinese water torture. Which I've allowed it to do for years, frankly,
- I've also been really bad at keeping up with things, keeping them in my calendar, and generally organising anything, as when you're running on empty all the time, you just want to avoid doing anything that requires any sort of effort. I'm sorry to my friends that I've not really been participating in things, and grudgingly at best, I just had nothing to give.
- I've learned to be kind to myself, like I would be to a friend. I've been far harsher on myself than I would a friend over the years, which I think is fairly normal, and we all do it.
- I need to remember to relax. While that’s not as big an issue now (I'm the least stressed I've been in as long as I can remember!), I still need to occasionally be poked about it. Taking too much on is far too easy, and downtime is just as important, and not “wasted time”.
- I've learned that it’s okay to say no to doing things or helping someone if I'm not up to it, or I have other things I have to get done. People aren't necessarily going to think less of me for it.
- It is absolutely okay not to be okay. It’s okay not to pretend you are okay when you’re not. Holding it together, especially over an extended period of time when you have no energy to do it, isn't good for you. Sometimes you have to let go and fall to bits. And that is okay. Seriously.
- When you’re not in a good place, not everyone will get it, and not everyone will be open to the idea of you when you’re not at your best. That’s also okay. But some people will. It’s okay to share. It’s okay to actually trust people with what is driving you crazy, and what you don’t think should be shared with anybody, because some people you can trust to take care of you and that information. And sometimes you just need someone to examine the situation from an outside perspective. People often have very relevant experience they can draw upon to help.
- Related to the previous point, It's okay to lean sometimes if someone extends you an arm, you don't need to worry about accepting it if you trust them, and you know they have your best interests at heart. Sharing is scary, but you know what? It's good. And a lot of people have been through similar stuff. For me, leaning on someone else was incredibly hard, as I viewed it as a sign of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth - it takes strength to let someone help you take the weight, and once they do, you can work on picking yourself back up and fixing the problems, often with the benefit of a second pair of eyes.
- If you haven’t got someone you’re comfortable with sharing with, share it with a professional. There is ZERO shame in that - it’d be like being ashamed of going to the gym to change your shape because you don’t like the way it is, or going to the doctor to get treatment for an illness. Seriously. They listen for a living, and they've a lot of experience. It may not be directly relevant, but they will have heard many situations, and seen the results of people working towards making the situations better, and can draw from other people’s experiences to help you. Don’t struggle alone - I did for far too many years, and frankly, it screwed me up, in a huge way. Don’t wait until you fall to pieces, it’s easier to mend something that’s still intact sometimes. If you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, then you can find someone who can help, and please, please, please don’t feel self conscious about it. Reaching out is sometimes the absolute best thing you can do. (Related link: http://www.mind.org.uk/ - help is a click away, and the first step to getting better.)
- Related to the previous point, sometimes you can’t mend what’s intact. You have to fall apart. If you can do it safely with someone around, or have someone you can call… please, do so. As a rather wise friend told me when I did… “You’re okay. You just don’t know it yet.” I smiled, and thought “yup, thanks, that feels a touch patronising” - but she was right. And I was okay. Now I'm better than okay. But sometimes you just need someone to stick a blanket around you, tell you it’s okay, and feed you a cup of tea, or water, or something similar. And, in my case, take a nap, before I collapsed on my feet.
- Be aware that constantly burning the candle on both ends will take its toll. Staying up too late and feeling knackered every morning will have long term effects. When your body is telling you you really should sleep, it’s probably a good idea. If it means you wake up earlier in the morning, it means you have more morning to do stuff. It all balances out.
- I'm no longer judging myself by everyone else’s values. My own are those that are important, and I've got a pretty decent base value set. Well, when it’s not horribly distorted by being in a dark cave for years and being quite broken.
- I'm getting out there and living life. Ingress has been a good outlet for me - I’d never have gone to Vienna without it, and I've now got a pile of trips set up, which are actually sounding like fun again.
Firstly: Something big that I really have wanted to say for a long time: I am so utterly sorry for those I've hurt over the last several years. I've not intended to. I've been broken, for want of a better way of putting it. It does not excuse my behaviour. I have tortured myself, so many nights I've sat and felt so horrible. I've made so many lousy choices, and I've acted in such a stupid manner as I’ve gone along. I've missed so many opportunities I should have taken, but I collapsed in on myself instead of doing so. I've hurt so many people in my stupid quest for self validation. The idiotic thing is that people did and do care for me, I just couldn't see it beyond those tiny glimpses when it broke through the shadows in my head. I could list a long list of people that I've upset, or hurt, or caused pain to. It brings me to tears, even now, just thinking about what I've done. There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s going to hurt for a long time, but it’s something I'm going to have to live with and accept. But I am truly, deeply sorry, and hold my hand up. That apology is something I've wanted to write for so long, so very long, but frankly I’ve been afraid to. And I know just how much damage I've caused. I've kicked myself for years. But I could never quite deal with it, it was too big, and pressing down so hard. One day I may forgive myself. I hope those I've hurt can do the same, but I’m realistic, and know that may well not happen. It pains me to know that… but as I’ve said above, I have to live with the things I can’t change, and get on with my life - I’ve only got one, and frankly, it’s bloody short. I could walk out of the door and get run over. I could lose those I care about in a heartbeat. Remember, every day, to care for the people important to you. Including yourself.
I also really appreciate my friends that have put up with me being less than myself. I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately as I got to the bottom of the dark pit, and I’ve not exactly been forthcoming with being social - I just really didn’t have the mental or physical energy, and just interacting with people, even those close to me, was a source of stress. That is something that has changed, and the results will no doubt be more evident over the coming weeks. But bear with me while I adjust to my new found self. Or, more precisely, recovered old self.
Secondly: It is absolutely okay to admit you have mental health issues. I have them. I’m actually a massive way through dealing with them right now. I take things to help me with it. There is NO shame in this - it’s a medical issue. Just because you can’t see it in front of you doesn’t mean it’s any less real, or loses you any respect. And frankly, anyone who thinks that it makes you less of a person needs to take a good hard look at themselves, and wonder why they’re judging you for something that clearly isn’t self inflicted. Would you blame someone that needs a wheelchair to get around for their condition, or someone who needs to take drugs for a condition, or has an allergy to something? If you would… well, make sure you’re not on my friends list, because I sure as hell don’t want contact with you.
People might be wondering why I’m sharing this so openly. The simple answer is because it’s important, and not enough people do. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been through hell and back. I’m not ashamed to hold my hand up. I’m throwing it all out here, totally bare, warts and all, in the hope that it helps other people too. And for everyone out there that’s suffering, please, remember to care for yourself as you would a friend. If you’re suffering… don’t be afraid to reach out, because attempting to deal with it yourself and internalise it all can destroy you - I’m living testament to it. Negative feedback loops can drag you from a happy go lucky nice person through several layers of hell, and make you far from what you really are, and what you want to be.
It’s okay to not be okay. But it’s also okay to talk to someone about it, and be not okay together. Don’t judge yourselves by the society out there that has a seriously distorted view of everything - including themselves. Be kind to yourselves. Hug each other. Love each other. Be yourselves. And remember you have one life - don’t lose it beating yourself up or being trapped in your own head - people out there want to and will help, be it family, friends, professionals, or even someone random you’ve never met in the world online or in a park or in a pub. Share the load, it’s easier when it’s not just you carrying it.
People might be wondering why I’m sharing this so openly. The simple answer is because it’s important, and not enough people do. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve been through hell and back. I’m not ashamed to hold my hand up. I’m throwing it all out here, totally bare, warts and all, in the hope that it helps other people too. And for everyone out there that’s suffering, please, remember to care for yourself as you would a friend. If you’re suffering… don’t be afraid to reach out, because attempting to deal with it yourself and internalise it all can destroy you - I’m living testament to it. Negative feedback loops can drag you from a happy go lucky nice person through several layers of hell, and make you far from what you really are, and what you want to be.
It’s okay to not be okay. But it’s also okay to talk to someone about it, and be not okay together. Don’t judge yourselves by the society out there that has a seriously distorted view of everything - including themselves. Be kind to yourselves. Hug each other. Love each other. Be yourselves. And remember you have one life - don’t lose it beating yourself up or being trapped in your own head - people out there want to and will help, be it family, friends, professionals, or even someone random you’ve never met in the world online or in a park or in a pub. Share the load, it’s easier when it’s not just you carrying it.
